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Women, Do You Feel Heard?

Updated: Aug 30, 2022

My throat is choked with the words I need to say. My womb aches from the generations of pain. Collective pain.

You say you want me to heal yet you don’t like the words as they escape from my mouth.

The words get stuck in my throat, in my womb as I try to swallow them down when I see, or hear your disapproval.

When I am on my own, they come freely. When the words are allowed to flow, everything feels better, safer, and closer to the truth. My truth. But you don’t want to hear my truth, do you? You want to hear their truth.

The truth of 1000’s of years of your fear of my power.

I will no longer be silent.

I will no longer be still.

My hips will flow like my words.

I am powerful beyond dreams.

I am sovereign.

I am a human in anticipation.

I am a soul.

I am evolving the collective.

I am a woman, powerful and love

Cate Dubois

This is a letter I wrote to all men. My father, my past partners, my son, all men really.

What I want to know, from men, is why when they tell me that they want me to speak my truth, they don’t appear to like to hear what I have to say.

It has been a continual frustration for me, that when I speak my truth it doesn’t at first appear to be heard. I need to repeat it over and eventually over until it becomes nagging.

Bare with me, I will give some examples.

When my son was small, and I could see he was about to hurt himself or potentially break a precious vase at his grandmother, I would say, please don’t touch that darling, he would then touch it.

I would then say, honey, don’t touch it please, and again he would touch it. I would then ask him to come and do something else, distract him, he would still touch it. I would explain why he wasn’t allowed to touch it. He would touch it. I would then raise my voice, and maybe even count to three, the number three meaning there would be consequences. Consequences that he would not appreciate. He would still touch it. It would always end in one of us in tears of frustration. Even anger at times.

So why did he not hear me the first time? Is it because I was too sweet, too subtle with my original tone, was I not threatening enough? Why did it have to escalate to a raised voice, consequences, threats?

I would explain to him that it took so much energy for me as a female to raise my voice to the level that I needed to, in order for him to listen to me.

What was going on?

I take full responsibility, on one level, I had a limiting belief leftover from my childhood that I wasn’t heard. That belief doesn't serve me very well as I have a lot to say, and I often do not feel heard.

If we hold the energy that we are not heard by others, then guess what? We won’t feel heard by others. That is a true and simple fact.

Remember (if you have been following my IG), the world is a mirror of our internal self.

What I am asking, however, from the men out there reading this, when as a woman I get brave enough to ask for what it is I need, why does it take so long to hear what I have to say and why do you take it as a personal assault.

Why does it take many times of me gently asking until one day I snap and then I am accused of being a nag, or the male feels criticised?

I guess what I want to ask, is do you really want to hear what it is I need, want, or desire or are you just saying that you do because it's new age?

Is it your ego that cannot stand what you perceive to be criticism, so you close off to the noise until it is too late? Until we explode.

Or are you simply playing out the role of the little boy who doesn’t want his mum to get the upper hand?

I will give you another example. I would ask my first husband to put time aside to sit and discuss things that were not working in our relationship for me. We would come to some sort of agreement on how we would move forward, and then nothing would change. Sometimes, to be fair, for a few days there would be attempts, then the behaviour would revert to the past, and again I would feel unheard. I would leave it until it became too difficult to manage and then ask him again to sit and discuss. Eventually, after 15 years of marriage, I said “I am so unhappy if things don’t change I will leave”. This got his attention. We went to a counsellor and the counsellor asked him what he felt when I had made it clear I was so unhappy I wanted to leave., His response was, “I didn’t think she meant it.” This was after years of me patiently, gently, holding his hand over an issue that was really important to me. Sadly I left after 27 years of not feeling heard.

Help me out girls, ladies, and women. Have any of you ever experienced the same?

What am I missing?

My thoughts are as follows. As a mother, I saw I had the responsibility to teach my son how to listen.

I wanted him to feel safe around hearing what they may not want to hear.

I wanted to teach him to not feel like he was being emasculated simply because a female had a request.

I wanted to teach him that quality communication can end well for him. No yelling, no threats, not consequences.

I wanted to create a safe space for him to be heard so that he may hear girls, and women when he was older.

And then I ask myself. How else could I have handled these situations?

Or; are men reacting from an old collective epigenetic wound, where they feel threatened by women and our power? Is it in their nature to be defensive, and reactive to us as women?

Once I was told by an old and wise soul, male, that it was his belief religion was created because men could not give birth. They needed something to show their power!

I put my hand up 100% with my son and my husband, and I used consequences as a final threat when I didn’t feel heard. In my defence, this tactic was only ever used when all others had failed!

Why did I do this? Because that is what my parents did to me. There were always consequences. Shame, guilt, hard slaps. I feel shame for repeating these patterns, and I forgive myself.

I often call my children and apologies for actions or words I may have used when they were younger, the unconscious version of me, the stressed, tired, emotional. These are all excuses, and yes I am only human, however, it is always ok to apologise to your children. No matter what the age.

Perhaps it is time that we all need to take, to stop rushing through life, putting the focus on what is not important, rather focusing on what is real.

The person in front of you is real. They are a reflection of you. Your son, your wife, your partner, your husband, your friend.

Give them the time and hear what they need to say. Listen, you might learn something powerful about yourself.

Don’t take it personally. Never take it personally.

Don’t let what they say to break you down. Use the information instead to help build you up.

We are all here to walk each other home.

Let us do it hand in hand. Heart in the heart. Soul in the soul...

We are all one.

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